Let’s start with a small case study.
A client Rosy initially sought an expert to help her through the complexities of a relationship. She was in love with Jack so much that it was painful. But the problem was that it was actually painful. She had no idea the moment he would take the rug off from beneath her. One day he was kind and encouraging and told him how much he admired her determination, grit as well as warmth (his phrases). The next day, he was able to be harsh and harsh, saying she was lazy, selfish or naive (his statements). Rosy always felt out of balance in the relationship and as she was about to think she could be able to accept his affection and love and support, he’d throw her off her feet. She felt very insecure, and it was transforming her into a complete wreck. A confident, intelligent woman who was frightened and insecure by a guy who made her feel secure emotionally.
Without this emotional security in a relationship, the love affair between Rosy and Jack was lost. In other words, she has doomed an exhausting and painful relationship that was never able to provide the Rosy she deserves and desires. She finally resigned herself from this relationship.
Two kinds of security for emotional wellbeing
Your emotional security and personal safety do not depend on the other individual. It is the result of:
self-awareness about your character strengths and weaknesses
being aware of what you require and feel secure
believing in yourself and looking at your own best interests
Living with intention and integrity
setting your physical, emotional and physical boundaries
Do not live within fear ….
Rosy had everything to her advantage when she first began a relationship with Jack.
The term “relational emotional security” refers to the sense that you’re on solid ground within an intimate relationship. It refers to:
- an unspoken bond of trust
- keeping one another’s best interests keeping one another’s best interests
- you feel you know that you know that your friend “has you covered”
- real connection and dedication
- physical and emotional availability
- emotional Integrity
- Feeling and being
- unselfish
- honest
- empathic
- Respectful
- Validated
If there is a sense of emotional security within the relationship, it is possible to feel secure and at ease in a safe space in which love can flourish. For Rosy, she had no secure place within the relationship where she could relax with the knowledge that Jack would have her best interests in her mind.
When the different levels of relationship and personal security can cause problems is the moment when a lack of emotional security within your relationship may erode not only your relationship with your spouse and your partner but also your relationship with yourself, as well as your own feeling of security. This is how Rosy’s unsecure relationship with Jack was very detrimental to her self-esteem, eventually leading her to tell me that “I do not feel as if I’m me anymore.”
Why do we need to be concerned about emotional security?
If you think of Rosy and Jack, it’s easy to realize how genuine deep, lasting, and meaningful love is not possible without security for emotional stability in relationships. When you break it down, What are you likely to look for in terms of secure emotional connections in your marriage? Here are a few basic things:
Trust. Keep your word. Tell the truth. Be authentic. Even if you keep the most basic of genuine reactions or feelings from your partner since you aren’t wanting them to be judged as if it’s a flims falsehood. It might be time to reconsider the safety of your relationship in the event that for instance, your partner is that you are less attractive for enjoying the horror genre or a tearjerker, or if you love snakes, or hates snakes. What’s the issue? If you’re really the love that your partner has for you is genuine and you’ll feel safe.
Commitment. If you’re in an affair that has gone beyond the casual relationship stage A way to increase emotional security is to demonstrate dedication to your relationship by showing commitment, exclusivity, and loyalty, both in good and bad.
Prioritize. Your partner and you are more secure when you know that your needs as a couple are equally important due to yours. In addition, prioritizing means that you have time with each other and strive to get to know each other. If you are both on stage and the other one is required to be the happy crowd, this is the ideal opportunity to create an insecure relationship.
Communicate. And by communicating I am referring to being honest throughout all exchanges. Both of you should be able and comfortable to voice your deepest thoughts, discuss your desires, and needs as well as difficult topics without judgment or criticism. It is not necessary to justify your desires or require a person you feel secure with.
Stability. If the emotional state of your relationship remains at risk, and you are feeling like you’re constantly surprised by a sudden turn on the road or constantly falling into an unplanned danger, you will not be at peace. Sure, things happen. But the overall feeling of physical, emotional and even financial security is vital.
Genuine intentions. A secure relationship is built on desire rather than necessity. That is your desire to be connected to this person because you are scared of being on your own. Fear can cause a shaky bond between two people since there isn’t any genuine bond between them. The definition of authenticity also means not projecting previous relationships onto the present relationship. The limiting beliefs of fear may be manifested as neediness and control-based behaviour. If any of these beliefs are in place and present, your relationship may not feel secure emotionally.
Respect for each other. Do you value each other’s sense of security to the highest standard? Do you treat each other’s character traits, values and desires as if they were your own? If you do, you’ll be more secure.
Understanding. Every couple in order to feel secure emotionally should feel listened to and respected. I inquire with my clients “Do you really trust your spouse?”
Love. We all know that in the absence of love, there would be no intimacy at all. We can’t feel safe emotionally when we have a romantic partner that doesn’t love us and like us.
If your fight, flight or freeze reaction is activated in your relationship, then you are not secure emotionally. Even the fact though physical violence is not or will never be discussed being emotionally battered diminished, or worn down can cause real fear, which is both the adversary of love and the threat to security. If you’re walking through life on eggshells, your relationship is built around eggshells and that’s not the kind of base worth building upon.
An insecure relationship is a very expensive physical, emotional, and energetic cost. A relationship that is not secure can be extremely exhausting, lonely, painful and full of tension. It can consume you — your thoughts, your life, and emotional reserves and make you feel confused. “I do not recognize myself no more,” someone might think when they’ve been in the midst of an emotionally unstable relationship.
However, in an emotional relationship safety can feel calm and secure. In a secure relationship, there’s growth, self-expression acceptance, appreciation, and love.
Related Article: The Best Ways to Start a New Relationship
